Veroniquecartier's Blog

Woulda, shoulda, Coulda October 11, 2010

Today’s post is by Craig Harper

Posted: 09 Oct 2010 10:45 PM PDT

Hi Team. Hope you enjoyed your weekend. If you’re feeling a little emotionally fragile or presh today, you may want to come back tomorrow. Or you might want to read the following post through your fingers or, perhaps, from behind a cushion. Or you may want to make the font really small and sit back a bit. Maybe turn your head a little to the left. Or, perhaps you could suck it up, read with an open mind and see if any of the following resonates with you.

Getting Old?

Gotta say, I’m not as patient as I once was. Does it show? Maybe I’m getting old. And you thought I was perfect. Sorry. To be honest, I’m a little over the chronic excuse-makers, the delusionites, the energy vampires, the career procrastinators and the liars. And I’ve met many. I think I’ve reached my “But life’s not fair and you don’t understand my situation” (discussion) threshold.

Getting Shit Done

I’m especially not patient when it comes to the excuse-making, shit-talking, woulda-shoulda-coulda fraternity who constantly delude themselves (and a few gullible others) about what they’re not doing in their world. Like getting shit done. Like taking action. Like being honest. Like taking responsibility. Like making decisions. Like committing. Like finding a solution. Like finishing things. Like using their potential. Like being gracious. And thankful.

Yep, some folks have almost done a million things. And some folks have been circling success for years. If words were results, they would be megastars. But you and I know that words are cheap. And require no effort, sacrifice or sweat. It’s my experience and observation that, more often than not, it’s the big talkers who do the least. People who are committed, proactive, productive and courageous tend to let their results do the talking.

Good philosophy that.

No Shit Sherlock

Of course, we can’t all be positive, passionate and productive all of the time (that’s part of being human) but seriously, how long do the rest of us need to tippy-toe around (some) people’s issues, egos, frailties, problems and excuses? You’ve met those people who never have a good day. Ever! Guess what? It ain’t about the day. No shit Sherlock. When will some people stop being the victim, stop sulking and sooking and actually take charge of their own lives? When will they stop waiting to be rescued or saved? And when will they stop seeking sympathy, pity and approval? For some, the answer to those questions is never. Sadly.

Pity parties suck. And I should know, I’ve attended (and left) plenty.

Don’t Panic…

Now, before you think I’ve turned into a heartless, hard-core pig, breathe easy; I haven’t. I still care very much but sometimes (okay, most times), listening to people’s attention-seeking, self-indulgent crap serves no positive purpose – it helps neither them nor me (or you). This post today is actually a byproduct of my desire to help people help themselves. My purpose in life is not to hold hands, stroke egos, seek popularity or tell people what they want to hear.

“When you change, your world will change because you create your world, your reality and your experiences – consciously or not, intentionally or not. No matter what you currently believe, think or feel, lasting transformation is all about you. Other things will influence and affect you but only you can determine you.”

When Nice Doesn’t Work

In my world, one of my biggest challenges is deciding where, how and in whom I will invest my time and emotional energy. I don’t want to waste it. Over the years I’ve learned that, sometimes, being nice is the wrong thing. There have been times when being nice has simply created another problem – a dependency problem. That is, a person has come to depend on me. Which is: (1) unhealthy for both of us and (2) disempowering for them.

I’m not a solution (for anyone), I’m a resource.

Being nice might mean giving someone some attention or making them feel momentarily better but in the context of this discussion (and in my role as a coach and teacher), that’s not what I’m interested in. At all. I’m interested in that person being in a better place for the rest of their life, not for the next ten minutes. Sometimes, a little short-term pain for some long-term gain is exactly what’s required. Now, try selling that paradigm to our quick-fix, instant-gratification, pleasure-addicted generation.

“If it’s not quick, comfortable or fun, we’re not interested.”

Sure, we try to distract ourselves with meaningless crap but when the dust settles, the noise stops and the lights go off; there we are with all of our issues. Still pretending, still denying, still blaming and still not taking charge.

Prepared to Pay the Price

Changing a life, or part thereof, is rarely quick, easy, painless or comfortable but that’s what the majority wants: great results, minimal time, no effort. And therein lies the challenge, Grasshoppers. Many people come to me (or to this site) wanting amazing results without being prepared to put in an amazing effort or make amazing sacrifices. Sometimes, people get disappointed when they discover that I’m not selling a magic pill. So they’ll look for another website or another coach – one who will tell them what they want to hear. What they’re comfortable with. How dare I tell people to do it themselves. To fix their own life. How dare I tell them to look in the mirror. To stop f*cking around. How dare I be blunt. Practical. Honest. Realistic.

Back Slappers

As you’ve probably figured out prior to this article, I’m not one bit interested in the hand-holding, back-slapping, feel-good, self-help fluff. It doesn’t lead to lasting transformation. To be completely honest, some of the cheesy, motivational bullshit that gets wheeled out (by some people) embarrasses me and makes me uncomfortable. There’s a lot I don’t like about what goes on in the world of personal development so I’ll just keep teaching and coaching in alignment with my principles, beliefs and core values. And I’ll continue to make mistakes and keep learning along the way. Sometimes we don’t need to be told we’re beautiful, amazing and special (by someone we’ve never met), sometimes we need a kick in the arse and a reality check.

People who need a cheer squad to get things done are destined for failure.

The Idea Vs the Reality

It’s my belief that, when it comes to the practical reality (the doing part) of personal growth and life-long transformation, most people simply aren’t prepared to do what’s required. Of course, they like the ‘idea’ of transformation (don’t we all?) but when the fluff, the hype and back-slapping subside, they simply won’t commit to changing their habits and behaviour over the long term. Sure, they might change for a while but when the reality (of what’s required to create f-o-r-e-v-e-r results) sets in, they’ll throw in the towel. Again. And, of course, they will rationalise, justify and explain it. Again. Just like they did the last ten times.

They might even get angry at someone (like me) just to make themselves feel better about what they haven’t done.

So there it is folks. I’m done with the over-analysing, under-doing, excuse-making, self-important, self-indulgent, woulda, shoulda, coulda brigade. It’s exhausting and pointless. From now on, I will only work with people who are genuinely committed to doing what’s required. If they’re scared, that’s fine. If they’re not particularly talented or gifted, that’s fine too (welcome to my club). But here’s the pre-requisite: (1) a good attitude (2) a willingness to get uncomfortable and (3) a willingness to do the work.

Simple really.

Okay, you can come out from behind that cushion now.